Anyway, mid-90's song references aside, I feel like a lump. My body is adjusting to the new schedule still, so I'm tired and moody and not prone to put up with bullshit from any corner of my life. As such, now is the perfect chance to actually stand up for myself some.
Usually, I'm too empathetic. By a mile. Part of it is just me, but part of it is that the DPD leaves me with little emotion much of the time. As such, I tend to borrow emotions from outside sources--the people I'm with, the song I'm listening to, the movie I'm watching. It makes me a good listener and helps me relate to my friends (and helps me relate on the job as well), but it can lead to some major internal conflict. The me who I can be in defense of others--strong, fearless, and protective--overshadows my sense of self preservation.
What this means is that when I'm unhappy about something, or need something, there's an internal dialogue that becomes circular and destructive. I can see the other person's side as well as my own, so there's a war between ensuring that those I care about are happy and their views respected, and my own wants and needs. I go between righteous justification of wanting something, and guilt over feeling selfish.
In order to overcome this, I have to either have my discontent build to the point of eruption, or be so angry I want to rip and destroy anything I can get my hands on (a point of time which I often use to rip apart clothes I plan to use for cloth, salvaging buttons, etc.). I'm about at that point right now.
Sounds like the perfect time to make some much-needed (and oft asked for) changes in my life. Some things are going to be drastically different after this upheaval; in one way or another. Let's just hope others will cooperate so that there can be a minimum of heartbreak involved.
I'm kind of hesitant and a little reserved about it, but it's kind of a now or never sort of point in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment